I'm Different

God won't ever let you get comfortable working for someone else, because you're meant for more.
I remember my ex telling me this years ago. The power of those words then pierced me in a deep place. Now after years of trial and error I now know viscerally that those words are not just true, but necessary. I couldn't find comfort because I didn't allow myself to live uncomfortably for the necessary amount of time needed. Now I'm surrendered to that process.
So I'm having trouble at both my jobs. I feel old emotions popping up. I want to react violently like before. You mess with me, push me to the edge, I react with the only power that I know. Me getting Ignant. Me trying to talk sensibly only to be ignored by some passive aggressive jerk that only can see their ego's opinion. Since I feel I don't have any power, I depend on the power that I think that I have.
                      "Physical Force"
Well God is putting an end to this merry go round of mixed emotions. He's showing me myself. Now I see myself getting angry, but I see my anger for what it really is, Fear.
Fear of not being enough, having enough, doing enough. I see my dependence on an old mindset that has it's roots in the soil of Anxiety.  I see what's really going on. Anger does not consume me so much where I don't see underneath it's cloak to see it's really just Fear in disguise. Now I see. I can't escape what I know. Time for playing small is over. 
That's why I'm not quitting any of my jobs. I'm not going to react with any of my so-called adversaries. I know that they are all coming from within. 
"When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you". -African Proverb
My only enemies are my memories that I have any memories at all. That's deep, but that's the truth. True spirituality requires that we dig deep into our own backyards. We're so caught up in other folks yard thinking that somehow our lawns will take care of themselves if we take our attention off of them. We're afraid to see ourselves. We take selfies, but fail to see ourselves. We look in the mirror, but we see our shadows and not our essential being.
This aggravation I feel right now is not just aggravation. It's a call. A soul call to transformation. My ex was right, I wont be comfortable on any job. This aggravation is a sign that I have a calling to something higher. It's my undeniable proof that I need to hurry up and learn the lesson that I have been putting off, so that I can go to my next dimension.


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