"Most of us focus on fixing what we don't want instead of focusing on what we do."
I've seen statements like this for awhile and they sound good, but when life starts happening these words seem to get lost in translation.
I don't want this to happen again because I find the secrets to life encoded in them.
We focus on fixing what we don't want or like about ourselves because we have not forgiven ourselves for allowing whatever it is to happen. Forgive for me means to totally give up in exchange for something new.
Because we haven't given up this old notion of ourselves that's not supporting our desire, we struggle with reality and keep trying to fix what should no longer exist in our consciousness anyway.
In order to truly focus on what we want, we must be conscious of it in our consciousness (minds eye) and only it. This laser like focus allows us to fully give ourselves over to the stream of consciousness that supports whatever it is we desire.
We attract what we are not what we want. What we are in our consciousness (our mind) is what we act on. We must let go of our old consciousness that does not serve our desires if we really want to experience our desires. Simply put, Forgive and Focus
The Closer we are to breakthroughs,
the more uncomfortable it gets. Don't
try to dodge the discomfort - step into
and through it. - David Bayer
Last week I texted my father a text message that I'm sure he was not expecting to receive that day or any other day for the matter. I told him that I did not feel the need to communicate with him any longer and that I felt that he did not really love me. My father and I have a strained relationship to say the least. When I was a child he made me plenty of promises that he did not keep, neither did he show any real remorse about. In fact he outright lied on my grandmother claiming that she kept him from seeing me. I know this for a fact to be a lie, because I remember overhearing my grandmother pleading on the phone with my asking him to keep his promises to me and asking if he could help with my then $25 a week bus fare. As you may guess, he didn't. In fact he lied more and made more excuses.
I've always been a forgiving person so over the years despite his track record I've tried to maintain a relationship with him. The breaking point for me came when I started praying and meditating, and from practice I learned that my screwed up relationships where actually due to my unresolved issues with my father. I would chase people for love, because as a child I chased him for it. So this habit as a child became the actual paradigm that set my worldview on how to approach relationships. I didn't realize it, but I felt like I was not enough. Here I am outwardly this big strong guy, that's pretty good with the ladies, but inwardly I felt inadequet. That's why I needed to get so much sex and attention. If I didn't get from women I would get it from food. As you can probably see this is a problem. It's a tricky one though, because it disguesses itself in the culture of our world as being a ladies man or some sort of player. When in actuality all you are is a scared little boy that's afraid to love himself.
I hid for as long as I could hide, but my Destiny was calling me, and she's a demanding lady that almost refuses not to be heard. She screams and begs you at the same time to embrace her. Now I have no choice I must listen. Today she came in the form of a response text to the message that I sent out a week ago to my father. The response was this, "Hey I have tried to be the best father I could with the circumstances."
As I read this message I felt the spirit of revulsion begin to flow through me, but Destiny had her grip on me this time. The same old reactions to situations like this were no longer acceptable. I tried to get mad, but she pulled anger out of me and replaced it with compassion. I tried to call my friends a drum up some emotions that could possibly lead to some form of repugnance, and I couldn't. I was no loner the same, Destiny had her firm grip on me and there was no turning back.
I realized that like attracts like. There was something about this situation that was like me. I saw it, it was my addiction. I used my addiction to avoid seeing myself. The statement that my father made was a classic statement that showed that he was in denial. As a matter of fact as I read his text it bled his spirit. I felt his pain. He was lost in the murky shadows of self loathing. He used self pity and lies as defense mechanisms to protect his ego from dealing with it's true identity. And guess what I was doing the same thing too. Just in a different manner. No I was not a deadbeat dad, I took care of my exes child as though she were my own. But just because I do things differently, doesn't mean that I don't have the same sin. I too suffer from the same sin, the sin of Denial. My father has his demons (negative states of consciousness) that he's in denial about and so do I. We both use our various addictions to help us hide our problems from ourselves. Well, the time for this way of living is well pass due.
I decided to get on my knees and pray. I didn't ask for anything, I just began to see and allow. I saw myself all over again, and I allowed this Power of change and transformation begin to flow in and through me. I realised that anger was not a choice, succumbing to my addiction was no longer an option. I had to get free. If I got free those around me could get free and if not I wouldn't experience them in the same way, because I would have changed. My change would create a change in how I experienced corporeal reality. The problem was nobody else but me. I was responsible for what I experienced and felt, and I felt so much more alive realizing this.
Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are distrurbed, they will marvel, and will rein over all." -Gospel Of Thomas