This is when it’s tough. I’m in the middle. We’re not where we used to be, but we’re not exactly where we want to be.
We quickly forget over and over that we’re not just going after a particular body, but really going after becoming a particular person.
We forget that we can’t make our bodies lose its weight in any particular way. Yes, we can effect our weight, but we can’t control the speed at which our bodies lose weight.
We can control the speed of how fast we can change our minds. But because we can’t see our minds we lessen its importance. What an irony.
See I’m steadily getting comments on how good I look from some people and from others who see me all of the time, like my colleagues, I hear nothing. My weight fluctuates because of my eating habits and of course mindset. My shame mixed with my guilt together makes a strange brew of confusion that hides itself in my actions of overeating, watching too much television, not getting enough rest, senseless conversations, complaining, and any other spirit numbing activity I can find to do. While in the moment these activities make me feel alive and normal, but when I sit alone, I’m faced with the fact that I’m not fully giving my all to my transformation.
Exercise is not my problem. Life management, clutter, and really my perspective is my issue.
I haven’t sat down long enough to believe in my purpose, that’s why my normal is always able to dissuade me back into its seductive loop of mediocrity. Yes, mediocrity is my norm. To admit that is painful yet sobering. It gives me clarity on what to do next. Not acknowledging my issue allows it to continue to live off of me. My issue is literally leaching my energy. That just can’t happen any longer.
So I’m fighting. I’m fighting with my real enemy.
My opinion of myself….
It’s time to shut up and pray
