The picture above is a picture of my beautiful family. I have an arrow pointed at my mother. When momma was alive I helped to take care of her. I thought that she was the only one in our relationship that was ill.
See I would constantly get on her about being mindful about how she walked. I also would tell her that it was possible for her to get better, even well, if she would believe and work at it.
What made me mad (but really I was hurt) was that it seemed like momma wouldn’t try as hard as I felt she could.
Momma passed…
Then my other momma and my grandmother passed not too long after.
I gained and lost weight. I was living in a constant yo yo effect.
I got tired. I mean really tired.
I did what only made sense. I prayed to God.
I got answers. The answers weren’t nice and wrapped in soft cuddly words. They were piercing right to my core. It was what I needed.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
All that time I was wasting being upset with my momma. I was actually judging her. I didn’t realize that I had the same issue.
Don’t get it twisted I was being human. It’s hard taking care of two little women with brain damage. Changing diapers, emptying potty chairs, bathing folks that don’t want to be bathed, and working 2 jobs. It’s not for the faint of heart.
And I would gladly do it all over again if I had to.
Here’s what I learned. Like attracts like. That’s the rule. It’s the rule in every situation, whether we like it or not.
Momma was tired of being in hospitals. Being poked with needles, and having catheters placed inside of her. She was a woman. A beautiful woman that loved to dress up. She was a bit of a diva. She loved to come and go as she pleased. She was a human. And that right or should I say privileged had been stripped away from her because of her brain damage.
Folks she was tired of believing for better. To hope for better meant pain. She had adjusted her expectations to wanting less over the years. Her friends that she had when she was well didn’t visit her when she was sick. The phone didn’t ring for her. Nobody wanted to take her places. She had become a burden. This was the thoughts that she had to grapple with in the recesses of her mind.
And I had the nerve to be upset with her lack of effort. SMH, the fact that she got up each day was an accomplishment.
Then it happened to me. I got sick and tired of trying. Between working 2 jobs that I didn’t want to work. Battling with my weight. Going through a breakup, and other stuff that I rather not say. I felt like giving up. I felt that trying again meant being hurt again.
I felt more connected to my mother now. I felt the visceral sensation of fear trickle down my spine. I felt almost paralyzed by the anxiety’s cold grip.
Is this my life I asked…
Then I heard these words.
No it’s not. You are destined for greater. All of this is for a reason. These things aren’t designed to hurt you. They were designed to build you. Through your pain, your compassion will be unleashed so that your head won’t ever get too swollen. What I have for you is in these storms. Can’t you see my hand? Can’t you see how I’ve protected you and guided you, and kept you? It could have been worse you know? But you’re special and I got something I really want you to learn.
I said what’s that…
He replied..
I want you to know that no matter what the situation is. Don’t waste time asking why you. Ask why not you. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself. That only slows down the blessings that I have for you. Just ask what this is trying to teach me. And I promise you I will answer.
